American Handgunner Features

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By John Connor

It’s mid-July, and I’m sweatin’ like a chestnut-stuffed, giblet-jammed, butter-basted, oven-roasted tom turkey. A gangster thunderstorm of apocalyptic dimensions just pulled a roll-by lightning barrage, frying two circuits and smokin’ my wheezing air conditioner. Maybe it was a mercy killing. There’s no “rain,” just a vertical airborne waterfall. I stomped down to Spider Central — the pitch-black basement — to check on the electrics, goin’ tromp-tromp-tromp-splash! — and learned it’s flooded, and now resembles the bilges of the HMS Bamboola after a Bay of Bengal cyclone. Let’s see ... Fiddle with 1930s-era glass fuses while standing in ankle-deep scuppers? The place is stayin’ dark for a while.

The landline phone is out, but my dang cell phone is not. It’s His Imperial Editorship, Roy-Boy. He’s breezy an’ cheerful — a bad sign, reminiscent of the rumblings of a longhorn kidney stone.

“So,” he chirps, “All moved into your new place? Feelin’ Christmasy, Connor?” Yeah, right. Well, I DO sorta feel like a fat guy in a fur suit. He skips merrily along, telling me how I gotta write up a “gift guide for gunners,” slanted toward our many readers who are deployed to The `Stan and The Big SandBox. He snickers, and I am reminded of a recent root canal.

“C’mon,” he chuckles, “You were one of those soldier gruntie-guys, weren’t you?” When he says “Grunt” referring to me, it’s like he’s not capitalizing the “g.”

“Make it all festive-holiday-like,” he gushes. “You have some Christmas wrap an’ trim for photo props, right?” Yeah. That crate floated past me in the basement five minutes ago, and it was sinking. Of course, the assignment is due yesterday, one of his favorite due dates. Impossibly, I’m sweating more profusely — and growing mold in my moustache.

So this one’s for the troops, folks, although there are various trinkets to tickle American Handgunners stateside, too. Enjoy — I gotta find my rubber raft.

Survival Inc.’s DeLuxe Tool Kit

Survival Inc.’s DeLuxe Tool Kit packs five lifesavers into a one-pound waterproof case. The kit contains a BlastMatch magnesium fire-starter, WetFire tinder that lights better wet than dry, a signal mirror, rescue whistle, and the SaberCut Saw, a bi-directional flexible chain saw — that works! I’ve tested it — and counted the times I wish I’d had one.

Zeiss Scopz

I don’t know the literal translation of “shemagh,” but it should mean scarf, sling, head-cover, sweat rag, field towel, sunshade and a dozen other uses. Available in khaki/black and green/black from Brigade Quartermaster and others. The Zeiss Scopz shooting glasses in neutral gray stay on through falls, firefights and fumbles — typical superb Zeiss quality.

SOG PowerLock

Want your GI to instantly become the MVGP (Most Valuable Grunt in the Platoon)? Ship out an SOG PowerLock. It flips open with one hand, and compound leverage doubles the plier power. The military model, shown flanked by its angle-headed cousin, the ParaTool, has a non-reflective black finish and blasting cap crimpers. Toss in some heavy upholstery needles and OD waxed linen thread to repair harness gear — you’ll be thanked, lots.

Sawyer Extractor Kit

The Sawyer Extractor Kit sucks neuro-, necro-, and hemotoxins out of bites and stings. Topical treatment just isn’t enough; you gotta get the venom out. To go with it, get fine point precision-aligned sliver-gripper tweezers for stingers and splinters, and you’re set. If you send extra sliver-grippers, they’ll be given to best buddies as Christmas gifts, and deeply appreciated.

Living With The 1911

My pal Robert Boatman is a classically-educated brutish Neanderthal; a cultured savage who also happens to write dang fine books. Bob’s latest is Living with the 1911 — A Fresh Look at the Fighting Gun, and you just gotta admire the dude for coming up with fresh new observations on a century-old design — and making you laugh throughout. Don’t stop there. Get and send Bob’s Living with Glocks, and Living with the Big .50 too. You buy `em. I just bum copies from him and don’t return `em.

LULA Magazine Loader/Unloader

Magazines are unloaded, cleaned and reloaded as often as weapons, and you don’t want your mags empty any longer than necessary. Butler Creek now distributes the Israeli-designed LULA magazine loader/unloader, and it’s the best I’ve ever seen, period. Simply snap it on an M-16/AR-15 mag and flip the lever back and forth to load/unload “most rikki-tik.” Send one for your GI, one for the platoon, and you’ll be a hero. (Cool down, Roy — New models are coming for other guns, including — handguns.)

Otis “Tactical” Cleaning System

When Iraq’s shamal windstorms blow, the world — and weapons — become filled with a dust-like filthy talcum powder. The Otis “Tactical” cleaning system with flexible rods fits in a cargo pocket, and Bore Snake pull-through cleaners are prized. Lone Wolf Distributors’ Ultimate Armorer’s Tool looks like a pen and packs five tools into a brass barrel — not just for Glocks. Major Hall names Strike Hold, KG-1 Carbon Remover and Militec-1 as cleaning, lube and preservative favorites. Op-Drops from McNett keeps optics and glasses clear and fog-free.

Recon LED

You don’t have to be assigned to a Recon unit to appreciate Gerber’s little RECON LED light. The RECON’s rotating bezel gives you soft white light, red for preserving night vision, blue for detecting blood and body fluids, and green for topo map reading. The Recon’s big brother is the tactically bright three watt TX3.0 LED flashlight. The anti-roll anodized aluminum unit features momentary-on and lock-on modes. Both thankfully run on AA batteries.

HellStorm Tactical Assault Goggles

Blackhawk has your Grunt’s Mark-I eyeballs covered two ways with their lightweight wrap-around shooting glasses and HellStorm Tactical Assault Goggles. A real improvement on mil-issue dust goggles, the HellStorms fit perfectly with the PASGT helmet. Both have shatterproof polycarbonate interchangeable lenses and 99.9% UV protection. Good gear, guaranteed.

Combat Blades

Clockwise from 0900, Extrema Ratio’s mid-size “Shrapnel” is a single billet of tough razor-edged cobalt stainless with sleek Italian lines — moltobuono! The LMF II “Infantry” by Gerber was designed and built for the field soldier, with a hammer butt, sheath-integrated sharpening system, and frankly, too many well thought-out features to cover here. You’ll want it for the grip alone — but get over that, and send it! Spyderco’s “Military” is lean and light, with an aggressive cutting sweep of CPM S30V steel. The titanium-frame 3G from Combat Elite is as close to bombproof as a folder can get. This one, you give to your brother in Baquba and say, “Bring it home.”

Glaser Safety Slug

And finally, since you’ve been a good gift-givin’ gunner, give yourself and your stateside buddies “the gift that keeps on giving” — six times per pack, anyway — Cor-Bon’s famous and fearsome Glaser Safety Slug ammo in all your favorite flavors. These compressed-shot rounds yield low penetration and ricochet, with maximum terminal effect. For shooting through barriers and Buicks, get and give their DPX deep-penetration rounds, featuring a solid X bullet and a hollowpoint you could sip brandy from. Go ahead; you deserve it. Merry Christmas!

Scattershot Scoop For
Sending Stuff To The Sandbox

Marine Major Howard Hall is our number-one American Handgunner in Fallujah. He’s embedded in an Iraqi Security Forces brigade, so his info on shipping isn’t accurate for all units, but here it is: US Postal Service Priority Mail seems to be the fastest and most certain, running around 10 days from CONUS (Continental U.S.) to his outpost, while First Class mail is taking about 21 days, and UPS parcels about 30.

Once bounced in Baghdad, goodies are trucked to hubs in ISO (International Standards Office) shipping containers. They’re stout, but pad all parcels well! Mom’s cookies tend to arrive separated into their original components — flour, sugar and oatmeal. They’re still eaten, but they could be snorted. Send beef jerky — lots of it — instead.

Excellent package padding includes sealed pre-moistened antibacterial towelettes, the largest sizes available, 5.11 socks, and UnderArmour “Heat Gear” undershorts. Line the package with copies of American Handgunner, GUNS Magazine and sports mags. They’re read ragged, then traded to other units. Fill empty corners with hand-sanitizer gels and body lotions — unscented, please.

Pressurized cans seem to be sometimes allowed, sometimes not, but NO pressurized flammable fuels are, which is too bad. Prepaid Phone Cards are solid gold to the Grunts, followed by batteries. Lithium CR123’s are hard to get, D-cells less difficult but less demanded, and AAs are generally available. If you send batt-op gifts, send bunches of batteries for `em in the same parcel.

Remember, Iraq is a big country, and while Baghdad may be broiling (as I write this, it’s 98 degrees at midnight, with tomorrow’s high forecast at 121) the mountains up in Kurd country and along the Iranian border may be deep-freezing. Know where your troops are, and plan for seasonal changes, too.

Always check postal and shipping regulations carefully before you pack up presents! The coolest gifts won’t do your troops much good sitting in Atlanta in pieces. Finally, a personal plea from a guy who’s been & done: If you don’t have a friend or loved one deployed, think about adopting a unit. My pal Howard Hall and his crew will rotate home before this prints, but somebody else’s most-loved will replace them. The unit address is:

Military Transition Team
Second Brigade, 1st Div., Iraqi
Intervention Forces
Camp Fallujah, Iraq
APO-AE 09387

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