Hind Armory Announces Toilet Paper Trade-In Program

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In a stunning move, Hind Armory today announced the company is no longer accepting traditional currency or credit card payment methods for firearms and accessories.

Beginning April 1, 2020, only luxury-grade bathroom tissue will be accepted from wholesalers, retailers, and direct purchase consumers. While details are still not entirely flushed out, the company plans to use a simple conversion system that assigns monetary value depending on back-end quality.

“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” stated Hind Armory spokesperson Mike Lindell. “Paper money used to be a stable means of conducting trade, and that worked out well for us for decades. But that was when our currency was backed by gold. Now, our currency isn’t backed by anything at all. We figure at least toilet paper is backed by, well, you know.”

Details of the new payment program are already published in all the company’s washrooms and will be shared with the public primarily via Charmin “My Hiney’s Clean” commercials. For simplicity, the new price lists round up and down to the nearest half roll. Observes company marketing Vice President Mark Cuban, “I mean really, who can make use of just one square? I’m a marketing guy, and even I see that as a load of crap.”

“Right now, we’re running a promotion on our StreetWipe 9mm to kick off the new program,” stated Lindell. “You can pick one up for just a half a roll of Charmin UltraSoft. I know some may view that as price gouging, but you have to remember just how valuable quality toilet paper is during this crisis.”

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