All the Arms They Can Bear In Their Bare Bear Arms
By John Connor
Drumroll, please … Ta-DAH! Folks, I want you to meet the new unifying symbol of armed free peoples (and other critters) everywhere; a symbol almost impervious to sniping from the Left. “The Left” is pretty encompassing, so let me narrow the definition: The sniveling, sanctimonious, rainbow-chasing, crystal-gazing, unicorn-riding, ideological infants who think universal peace would break out like a rash if only all guns were outlawed. You know who I mean, right? Well, Panda is almost invulnerable to their attacks, for these reasons:
Panda is black. Panda is white. Panda is Asian. Panda’s a vegetarian, for Pete’s sake. One hundred percent of Panda’s intake and output is natural, organic and biodegradable. Panda’s “carbon footprint” is zip, and his “greenhouse gas” emissions are near zero. In fact, they’re about 1 percent of the greenhouse emissions of a college sophomore after dining at Taco Bell.
Is Panda also Hispanic? Latino? Check out the gunbelt: traditional tooled leather bearing classic silver conchos with turquoise inlays. And, Panda’s name is Joselito — or maybe Joselita — we can’t tell, because Panda is soft-spoken and has a speech impediment — which also makes Panda a “special needs” case! Panda may also be a bit gender-confused. Even panda experts can’t tell a panda’s gender by sight. They have to do a “parting-the-fur” inspection. Heck, pandas can’t tell the gender of other pandas by sight only. True fact, folks.
Pandas are an endangered species and the victims of disappearing habitat. When found in the wild they’re thrown behind bars in panda-breeding concentration camps, then cruelly harassed 24/7/365 by clicking camera shutters and goofy humans going “OOooohhh! AAAHHHhhh!!! Aren’t they so CUTE?” in every known language — humans who don’t realize the juiciest bamboo shoots can never be as sweet as … freedom!
Multi-ethnic, vegetarian, “green,” organic, one-with-nature, gender-confused, “special needs,” under constant surveillance, subject to species discrimination, politically imprisoned and threatened with extinction — is there any other creature on earth more deserving of the right to bear arms, and more justified in self-defense? Is there any other creature more truly politically correct, more invulnerable to the craven criticisms of the lefties? I think not, my friends. Support the right of armed bears to bear arms! Stand with Panda!*
With Their Own Clubs
With Panda, my friends, we take the offensive, using the symbology which our enemies so often twist against us. They capitalize on our desire to get along with them, then insist we submit to their demands. They claim to be all about “celebrating diversity” and recognizing “individual-ness,” right? Let’s give it back to ’em! There are two movements we need to launch. The first is “race/ethnicity.” They say they honor diversity? Beat ’em over the head with it!
Are you white, black, Native American, Asian? Demand that on all governmental forms, our diversity is recognized! White crackers should demand a “Saltine-American” check-box! Rednecks and rosy-cheeks could be “Rufus” (red) or “Ruddy Americans.” Darker-complected whites, very light blacks, and many Hispanics might share the term Café au lait-Americans. C’mon; are all Blacks alike? Just saying “black” is like saying “wood.” Is there a difference between ebony and sugar pine? How insulting! Saying “Asian” is like saying “soup.” All soups are the same? Ridiculous! Is there any difference between Jicarilla Apaches and Algonquian Ojibways? Just ask ’em! Hispanics and Latinos comprise dozens of distinct groups. Send blizzards of letters and hordes of e-mails, bury them in phone calls; drive the agents of political correctness crazy with their own ideology!
Research has shown that shooting firearms can release the same enzymes in the brain as passionate kisses. We all know shooting calms, soothes and invigorates us, right? It’s a proven physiological palliative for stress, anxiety, depression and frustration. This is a genuine medical concern, folks, and ballistic therapy needs the official recognition it obviously merits. How many thousands — or hundreds of thousands — of physicians, psychologists, even psychiatrists could and would testify to shooting’s non-narcotic effectiveness? And how many millions of shooting enthusiasts?
We need volunteers; spokesmen and women; letter-writers and phone-callers; e-mailers and Twitter-tweeters, all demanding our “drug of choice,” our most efficacious therapy be recognized, supported, and YES, even subsidized! Like, “Okay, Sandra; if I have to pay for your birth control pills, you can help pay for my ammo!”
So you think you’ve detected a hint of humor in this? It’s true. But I’m also dead-bang serious. We are an endangered species. Both blue-sky dreamers and hardcore socialists want to disarm us; the former group because they have marshmallow fluff between their ears, and the latter, to clear the decks for unopposed governmental tyranny. The fight is for all the marbles — and that’s when you most need laughing warriors! Connor OUT
*Want a Panda T-shirt, maybe a bumper sticker? Of course you do! Go to www.dannco.com, look for the “Connor’s Cut” tab and check ’em out. It’s a Connor’s Cut project, so it benefits veterans’ charities — and makes zero bucks for me. Cool, huh? ( Panda shirts are not available until after August 1st )
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