By Tank Hoover

We’ve all seen the stereotypical veteran cop on TV. Hell, some are even married to such hard-shelled individuals. These crusty crustaceans are the by product of being constantly exposed to the worst life has to offer, and then having to deal with it, as no one else has signed up for the job. This concentrated dose of handling society’s slag, consisting of sick, demented, miscreants and dealing with the harsh realities of life on a daily basis, takes its toll. Life is full of such incidents and it’s the cop who is usually the first one on the scene to pick up all the pieces.

The best coping mechanisms for any cop is humor. Good humor makes all things tolerable, no matter how ugly, horrific, or sad the event. The ability to pluck a strand of wit, or bemusement from any situation, is the perfect release valve necessary to bleed out stress. Gallows humor is a coping mechanism allowing the street cop to function and preserve their sanity. As a cop, I always surrounded myself with people who kept the mood light and airy, until it was time to put on your game face and take care of business. No need for things to be stressful and weepy — there’s more then enough of that to go around. This sick sense of humor seems to follow cops into retirement. They are realists who have been there done that, and know what’s out there.

Being realists, cops know bad people are real. Most retired cops are always armed. I use retired cops, as they basically have the same restraints as “regular” citizens. They would use themselves as a shield, or barrier, without hesitation for their loved ones, and most for a total stranger. Whenever going out, retired cops are alert and looking for trouble. Not to confront, but to avoid. They don’t want confrontation. First rule of survival is being armed, second is to avoid having to use any force, by avoiding it in the first place. Retirees have no powers of arrest other than what a regular Joe has. Their gun can only be used for protection from great bodily harm or death of themselves, or others. This is why most retired cops are just as happy to stay home, or visit with known, trusted friends.

67 Acres

On the home front, the best example of being prepared can be shown by telling you of my friend Bill. Bill is a cop, but retired a number of years ago. He was a Trooper, K-9 handler, SWAT team member, and finally a firearms Instructor. No Marvin Milquetoast HQ geek, Bill is all Trooper. He wanted to clean things up and make an impression by locking up bad guys. Bill has the classic example of every cop’s fantasy home. Most cops seek seclusion for a home site. Remember rule #2? Most dream of living on top of a mountain, or out in the middle of nowhere, with a long sight distance, to be able to see, or hear anyone approaching their house.

Bill did this exact thing. He bought 67 acres and built his home on top of the highest ridge of his property. His driveway is over a half mile long from the main road, and has a motion detector alerting him of anyone coming. He knows he has a timed 90 seconds to get ready when the sensor sounds. He keeps a loaded double-barreled shotgun nearby, along with some umbrellas. He calls it his Walmart greeter, and carries it unnoticed along his leg as he steps out onto his deck to see who’s there. If known, he returns his greater, if not, he keeps it hid by his side.

Inside, Bill has a favorite Lazy Boy chair in front of his TV. Above the headrest of the chair, under the flap protecting the chair from hair oil, Bill has a .38 snubbie, loaded with Winchester +P 158-grain SWCHP’s, tucked away in case someone should get the drop on him without his knowledge. He also has a 6″ S&W model 28 Highway patrolman loaded with Remington 125-grain semi-jacketed HP’s in a kitchen cabinet should trouble come calling. He has gone over scenarios with his wife should a home invader break-in while they are watching TV. Bill also has a Colt 1911, loaded with 230-grain ball ammo hidden, but accessible in his living room. Does he sound paranoid to you? Bill simply says, “I’m to old to fight and too young to die!” Is it paranoia if you know first hand there are people out there who want to hurt you for the things you have? Most cops will tell you it’s better to have and not need. Always be prepared for the worse — while hoping for the best. Makes sense to me!

Bill is in his early 70’s, still sharp as a tack, having a great, although some might think warped sense of humor. I constantly get several funny emails from him daily, some I need to open privately. He shares the funny emails he receives to keep things light and airy. But rest assured, when it’s time to put on his game face, and take care of business, Bill will be ready. Bill loves life, and has a “Shootout” on his property every spring. Here, a gathering of his closest friends come together, shoot, eat BBQ, and just catch up, have some laughs and enjoy life. What else is there? Be smart, stay safe, have fun and laugh when you can. Be prepared for the worst and enjoy the best life has to offer.

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