Australia And The Weird Little Snake

I don’t care much for venomous snakes. I have written about that particular phobia on several occasions in this very venue. I get that God put everything here for a reason. However, in quiet moments, I have to wonder if He didn’t just let Satan whip up a handful of things during the Creation week just to keep the old serpent placated. I’m thinking maybe mosquitoes, water moccasins, politicians and trial attorneys.

I have waged an ongoing existential fight for survival against the water moccasins that call my backyard lake home. In the last two decades, I have killed 64 of them. I wander about a good deal after dark and have little interest in stepping on one unexpectedly.

While I dislike venomous snakes, I’m not petrified by them. I’m not struck immobile at the sight of one. I just don’t want them around me.

Origins

I grew up in the hinterlands of the Mississippi Delta. In my neighborhood, there were only two varieties — water moccasins and copperheads. I never saw a rattlesnake when I was a kid, and I’m fairly certain that coral snakes are not actually real. Distinguishing the good snakes from the bad was not terribly difficult.

In addition to some unique markings and coloration, pit vipers all have a distinctive triangular-shaped head and vertical pupils. Spend enough time in the woods, and you can tell at a glance. And then Uncle Sam sent me to Australia.

Way Down Under

Things are just different in Australia. Back in 1997, I was in a little town called Rockhampton in Queensland on the northeast coast as part of Operation Tandem Thrust. This vast multinational military operation was designed to allow the militaries of various Allied nations to operate jointly to vanquish evil or some such. For me, an unwashed redneck who had grown up in the Mississippi backwoods, it was just an excuse to meet some interesting people and expand my horizons a bit.

One fine day, I spotted a modest snake in the motor pool and pointed it out to one of my Aussie buddies. This cute little guy had a skinny head and pretty benign-looking features. Back in Mississippi, he would have been a racer or a grass snake of some flavor. My Digger pal leapt back like a cockroach on a hot stovetop. I forget the specific species, but he said that was one we needed to give a wide berth.

It turned out this was some kind of hyper-deadly compact little monster that could purportedly kill you with a glance. I forget the name, this was quite some while ago, but my Australian friend was clearly impressed. When next I had a few minutes, I found a book and did a little research.

Variety is the Spice of Life…

It turns out that Australia has the nastiest snakes literally in the entire universe. Additionally, the rules about vertical pupils and triangular heads don’t apply over there. Some of the deadliest sort in Australia would seem completely benign over here. Just thinking about it gives me the willies.

The common death adder is fairly self-explanatory. You don’t earn a name like “common death adder” by being extra cuddly and good around kids. This diabolical monster runs about three feet in length and looks like Satan’s psychotic nephew.

The eastern brown snake seems pretty unremarkable, except that it employs the second-most potent snake venom on the planet and grows to be seven freaking feet long. It is also notoriously grouchy and ill-tempered. Were I an early explorer, I don’t think it would matter had Australia stood calf-deep in diamonds. As soon as I realized these seven-foot-long malevolent death machines populated the place, I would have packed it in and gone home.

The lowlands copperhead looks nothing like the North American copperhead. This lightweight tops out at a paltry five feet but still employs a postsynaptic neurotoxin that kills you by shutting your nervous system down so you can’t breathe. What makes the lowlands copperhead so remarkable is its resistance to cold. Unlike regular reptiles, these guys are still active above the snow line. The normal rules about where snakes can live don’t seem to apply. When Elon Musk finally sets foot on Mars, he will probably be messily devoured by a huge herd of spacefaring Australian lowlands copperheads.

And then there is the inland taipan, literally the deadliest snake in the world. This thing is proof positive that mother nature does not think overkill is a real thing. This ghastly monster, though purportedly shy, grows to more than eight feet long. The venom in a single bite is adequate to kill 100 grown men. Seriously, what is up with that?

Ruminations

While on a night patrol Down Under, one of our grunts ran afoul of some gigantic spider that purportedly eats birds. I personally prefer my spiders to be small enough to stomp on. This massive example latched onto this poor slob’s face and bit him in the forehead. After I heard about that, I opted to stay inside a lot.

I had a great time in Australia, and I obviously didn’t die. If you were paying taxes back in the late 1990s, thanks for that, by the way. That experience did indeed expand my horizons. I just now got a GunCrank column out of it.

Fun fact: Lots of people actually live in Australia without being eaten by snakes, spiders, crocodiles or sharks. The Land Down Under is indeed a most amazing place. Someday, I would love to visit there again, this time with my bride in tow. However, I think I’ll make a point to stick to the more civilized spaces. Aggressive eight-foot hyper-venomous snakes and bird-eating spiders that bite you in the face might take the shine off of a recreational stroll through the jungle.

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