By Tank Hoover

Firearm Fanatics And Supporting Systems

This diagnostic test will help you determine the type of shooter you are. Are you a Casual Firearm Enthusiast (CFE) or a Diehard Obsessed Firearm Fanatic (DOFF) with Supporting Habits (SH)? Those afflicted with this malady are the ones who need it most, yet are unaware they have it. Admission is the first step to any recovery, but how can you admit to something you don’t have a clue about? Below, I developed a simple quiz to help with your diagnosis. Simply answer “YES” or “NO” to each question.

1: Your kids are named Skeeter, Elmer, or Cooper and your dogs have names like Ruger, Remington or Benelli.

2: You can read the latest “Handload” book like a suspense thriller novel.

3: You have so many back issues of gun and handloading magazines your wife threatens to contact the producers of the reality show “Hoarders.” You’re scared to explain to her the magazines are strategically stacked to support the ceiling from the three gun safes upstairs.

4: You plan vacations, sometimes years in advance, to locations that just happen to have large gun shows when you will be there. “Honey, I had no idea, but as long as we’re here, why not?”

5: You have so many guns now, opening your safes is a pleasant surprise and you find yourself saying things like, “Wow! When did I buy this!”

6: You hide your delivery boxes from your garbage men and neighbors because of Hazmat warning labels from powder and primer orders.

7: You’re on a first name basis with your mailman and delivery guys, but they hate you from the heavy packages constantly coming to your house.

8: You have a hard time keeping cleaning ladies because they are scared to come to your house because of all the books, magazines, bullets, brass and gun parts lying around your house.

9: Whenever someone dies who owned guns, their family calls you.

10: You’ve made so many on-line orders you have your credit card number, expiration date and security code memorized.

11: You buy brass at a gun show for a caliber you don’t have a gun for… yet, because it’s a bargain. The same applies to bullets, dies or cleaning brushes.

12: You live through your guns by owning an African gun, an Alaska gun, elk gun, varmint gun, a survival gun for when your plane crashes, home defense guns for when the zombies come carrying torches, etc.

13: You’re walking around the county fair and think you have a pebble in your shoe and it is a small pistol primer. And you save it. You then mosey on over to the machine gun shoot game. Not to play, but to scrounge for the lead shot they use as BB’s.

14: When you go through TSA you are sweating bullets because you are worried you might have honestly left a live round or favorite knife in your carry-on.

16: When you go to the range and the ground is covered in brass you are happy to pick it up and keep it. Also, the first thing you do is check the brass buckets.

17: If your basement floods, your first thought is rescuing your guns, powder and primers, while your wife’s concerned about her mother, photo albums and electrical fires.

18: Every time you come back from vacation, you’re certain your house has been burglarized and you check your gunroom first, even though there is no sign of forced entry.

19: You save every coffee can for your cast bullets. You’ve even raided your neighbors recycling bin for same, without shame.

20: You’re more frantic than an extreme couponer looking for bargains on powder, primers, brass, etc., but panic, and will drop top dollar when your primer count gets below 60,000 and your powder supply is less than 75 pounds — per powder.

21: You get nervous going to the doctor because you’re worried he will ask you if you own a gun. “Who, me?”

22: You stakeout your mailbox a week before Handgunner magazine is due. When it does come, it’s like Christmas morning. If the cover page is creased, folded, or — god forbid — torn, you file a formal complaint with the Post Office.

23: You refer to your favorite gun writer by his first name while talking to your wife about his latest article as if you were actually talking to him in person.

24: You keep a bottle of Militec and a borelight in all your bathrooms, so you can inspect/lube your everyday carry piece on a regular basis.

25: You’ve picked up a wheelweight in the parking lot while going to a funeral and think, “Hey, this is my lucky day!”

26: You have the Editors of your Favorite Gun Magazines (FGM) on speed dial so you can periodically call to give advice on future articles and magazine layout.

27: You have had your phone blocked by your FGM editors for calling about advice on future articles and layouts.

If you did not answer “yes” to 3 or more of the above questions, you are in serious trouble of being a CFE! You need to get more serious about your chosen hobby! Don’t be a Casual Firearm Enthusiast! There are support groups for such self-deprived psychos who are denying themselves hours of pure pleasure, entertainment, and training!

Use the above questions as suggestive aids. Be a DOFF with SH! I hope this public service announcement has been beneficial to you. So get of your duff and be a DOFF! Hit the gun store, shooting range, read a gun magazine (Handgunner and Guns comes to mind), load some ammo, or change your pets’ names. Lastly, have fun doing all the above! Rodger Dodger, over and out — of my mind.

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