Just Announced: New Modern Sporting Stapler
With onerous federal regulations looming on certain types of weapons, Colt & Weston Inc. have announced their new Modern Sporting Stapler (MSS), the first self-defense weapon to meet new expected federal regulations.
Crafted from the finest Chinese steel and slave labor, the MSS offers great ergonomics, high velocity and reliability you can depend on in a self-defense stapler. Finished in a handsome — and tactical — “Scorched Earth” powder coat, the stapler sports a high-capacity magazine and can handle both narrow- and medium-crown staples. Shooters will be excited to note there is no shortage of this common ammo available at any home improvement or hardware store!
The MSS is also fail-safe and fully redundant. As it requires a minimum 1.5 CFM air compressor to operate, even if out of ammo, you can bludgeon assailants with the steel air tank or strangle them with the tough, but supple, air hose (not included).
One great feature of the MSS is the ambidextrous magazine lock, which can be operated regardless of spatial orientation. This allows MSS owners to invent their own reloading technique for publishing on the interwebs! Imagine — you can be the star of our own YouTube shooting channel whether you have any prior firearms experience or not!
Additional features include no sights to avoid snagging on clothing during presentation, a low-profile integrated safety to prevent firing unless the MSS is pressed firmly against the target, and a series of indentations and slots for that highly-sought-after sexy “tacti-cool” look. As there is no recoil, the MSS can be shot from any position ranging from standing to lying down, and even in “Position Sul,” if you happen to like classic shooting memes!
Countless accessories are also already available, including lights and lasers, which can be attached to the MSS by using common duct tape (sold separately).
Best of all, there is no annoying shortages of the MSS platform, and it can even be sent through the U.S. Mail! All this versatility and peace of mind is available starting for $50 at your local hardware or tool supply store.
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