Go Now, In Peace, Or ...

As President, my stance on immigration would be: Illegal aliens, go now, in peace. There’s a subtle message in that phrase, and the comma is important. If you apply for Exfiltration Assistance we may grant and pay it — once. Legal aliens will have firm departure dates, and the “Permanent Resident Alien” status is hereby revoked. You’re either a citizen, bustin’ your hump to become one, or learning to say “Bye-bye” in English. We have immigration laws; we just haven’t used ’em.

The illegal alien problem is “insoluble?” I think not. There are at least a million Americans who would, if empowered to do so, personally remove ten illegal aliens each from within our borders — free. Ten million fewer illegals would be a good start.

The United Nations would be given an eviction notice. My message to them would be: We Americans are far too crude and primitive for you. Judging from your voting record, you don’t like us anyway. I would suggest moving UN HQ to Baghdad. Surely your suave sophistication, your fine words, impassioned speeches and diplomatic skills will bring immediate peace to that troubled region. Be careful where you park, dudes.