Accommodations

8

So, I’ve been asked to take over the GunCrank Diaries. How does it feel when you get to grasp the helm of your singular favorite all-time piece of gun writing? Trust me, it’s pretty darn weird.

How does a guy try to fill shoes belonging to the likes of John Connor? I suspect Joshua pondered the same stuff after he stepped into Moses’ high-mileage sandals. It’s kind of like strapping on John Wayne’s Peacemaker. Like I said — weird.

Handgunner’s readers and writers encompass one big family. Every single time I’ve met one of you guys out in the real world I ended up with a new friend. Thanks for trusting me with this precious thing. —Will

Immiseration is the act of making those around you miserable. An exceptionally smart person with whom I am very close introduced me to the word after I griped unduly about a particularly onerous day at the clinic. In a military context, however, sometimes being miserable is entirely relative.

People seek out military service for a variety of reasons. Patriotism and an unbridled thirst for adventure lead many a youngster into the uniform. That’s what first snagged me. However, I learned early on you certainly don’t join the Big Green Machine for the creature comforts.

I was encamped in a desert most-wretched with a Light Infantry Battalion. My several hundred mates and I were bivouacked in a sandy wash devoid of breeze, trees or shade. Amongst the entire unruly mob we had but a single tent and that was for the headquarters. We all just tossed our fart sacks (sleeping bags in the vulgar tongue) out on any convenient spot and declared it home. Somehow in my wanderings I happened upon a discarded Whirlpool dishwasher box.

I have no idea how the box got there and am fuzzy on exactly where I found it, the intervening years having clouded the details. However, I relocated said box to the Battalion area and arrayed my gear neatly within. It took perhaps 10 minutes to transform the ample carton into a proper domicile.

I secured the big cardboard container in place with my rucksack and arranged the head of my fart sack inside such that the omnipresent dust and sand were now nicely excluded. The first evening thusly protected was nigh heavenly.

The following day a most remarkable thing occurred. My grunt brethren began filing by to admire my cardboard box, many of them clearly perturbed they were themselves without one. That’s when it hit me.

I was a commissioned officer in the Army of the most powerful nation on earth, and here I was living in a cardboard box. Not only was I living in a cardboard box, but other people coveted my cardboard box. Furthermore, I was clearly going to have to take some fairly extreme measures lest someone steal my cardboard box. I could swear I heard one of the young grunts nearby grumble, “Aviators always get the good stuff.”

Beware The Dude

Crime is in the news these days because crime is forever in the news. We are a lamentably fallen species, drawn to tragedy as filings to a lodestone. I have, however, discovered one single thing law enforcement could do that would legitimately slash crime rates in every major metropolitan area in the country. They just need to catch “Some Dude.”

The details varied. However, the gist is always the same. Every shot-up thug who dragged his ventilated carcass into the emergency department had some variation on the same tale.

“There I was, sitting on the front porch sipping iced tea and reading the Bible to my blind grandmother, when Some Dude jumped out of the bushes and busted a cap on me. It was dark and he was wearing a hoodie so I couldn’t see his face, but he was packing a GLOCK nine.”
We need to find him.

Ruminations

“Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.” You can find a great deal of wisdom imbedded within the rarefied banter of The Princess Bride.

Life is indeed painful. However, it can also be pretty funny. Sometimes you just have to peel back the darkness to find the comedy. Let’s take a moment and be thankful we have a roof over our heads. Right this second brave young Americans are out there living like animals and risking their lives so we can all be warm, comfortable and free. May God bless them every one.

Also, as you wander through your daily sojourn keep an eye out for Some Dude. That guy is the Chuck Norris of evil. Lastly, remember some people are a lot like Slinkies.

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